14/02/2020

I used to say how I would imagine him with someone more outgoing and carefree. He used to say that he'd imagine me with someone more romantic and caring.

We were the two that were so right yet so wrong for each other. But only wrong in the sense that he didn't want to work on himself and that I had high expectations and would get easily triggered by his uncertainty in everything, especially in me.

Everything I was criticised for was just a mirror of himself, projecting his faults onto me as if they were my issues. 

Yet here I sit on the 14th of February unveiling truths of my past, putting to rest what was once such a beautifully harrowing ride.

Yes, my ex was immature and didn't want to grow up.. But I was pushy, wanting commitment, a best friend. It was this constant loop where I would ask him for this and he would pull back, so I would become more unsettled and and scared of losing him so I would push harder. This happened to the point of me feeling so awful about myself, my identity and everything in between, and him feeling so overwhelmed by the whole thing that he would keep subconsciously making me feel this way. And of course, this inevitably led to a split.

Now he's visiting another country with a girl who hurt the relationship (in my eyes). It took a couple of weeks before I could wake up without anxiety and the intrusive thoughts of them being together, but they have finally settled. And although it still hurts, I can't be mad. He just wants to be with that carefree, outgoing girl that I couldn't have been while we were together. He wants an escape from the "small box I put him in". But that doesn't mean what he did was right. Far from it.

These past few months have been a whirlwind of learning and growing. Growing to the point of having emotional stretch marks because I can't seem to keep up. Thoughts would go by wondering why I was never enough, figuring out different career paths because he made me feel that the creative life was silly. 

And then thoughts of maybe if that first trip we took together went more smoothly we wouldn't be here. Maybe if I didn't take the plunge at the beginning and say why not just give it a go, we. wouldn't. be. here. Maybe if I relaxed a little more and just enjoyed every moment, we wouldn't be here? But I suppose it's hard to relax when you're constantly being put down...

But I don't regret the time we spent together. The first year I learnt so much, grew so much and felt like I was healing. But all that soon began to fade as reality set in. The only thing I regret is not realising all this sooner, just so I could have the chance to reverse what has been done. 

But c'est la vie, everything happens for a reason and I can't change the past. All I can do now is work on myself and do everything I can to be the best version I can be. Not only for me, but so when the next person comes along, things like the hurdles of my past relationships wont be hurdles anymore.